I'm getting all girlie...

I am becoming a feminist.

I've always been a feminist on some level. It was always one of those small self-identity things that was there, just not a big part of me. By the most basic definition of a feminist being one who beleives in equal rights for women, I think all women must be feminists. (I know that this is not true but I'd like to believe it is). So, it's always been there. I once did go see Gloria Steinman give a talk and found her truly inspiring. I didn't change my name when I got married. But I never really considered myself a "FEMINIST". You know what I mean...the ones with the bad raps. The ones who are vocal and almost unladylike about the cause. The ones without bras.

To me, believing in equal rights was enough, fighting for them was too much. I always just figured I'd get through it. That the need for feminism would dye out with time, the world would get more welcoming as older generations moved pass and the bulk of the population had grown up in a more enlightened time. During my years of engineering education, I did realize that I was a minority, but I mostly just ignored it. I encountered a few old school professors that gave me a hard time and I chalked it up to a generational gap, a few classmates from cultures and religions that don't respect women well and just let it slide. I had a rare uppity moment, but mostly just let it fly by and grew a tough skin. I refused to join the women only societies because I believed they were making the problem worse. To me, excluding men was just as bad and bringing the problem to light actually made the problem worse in some ways. I guess I mostly just developed selective hearing and went about my studies. Don't get me wrong, the occasional tear was shed, there was a burden to bear, I didn't enjoy the situation, but it was what it was.

During my master's program it got harder, there were fewer women, and I found the state I was in to be less liberal then the northeast where I had grown up and done my BS. The lack of women was probably a factor in my decision to leave engineering and switch to science. Not a major factor, not THE factor, but it was a consideration. I found my PhD program more welcoming, from a grad student perspective at least. I felt well-respected by my peers and faculty and I was no longer self conscious about being a women. The comfort I felt was probably a small factor in my staying in that same department to be a post-doc.

Now, in the limbo-land of post-doc, I am suddenly acutely aware of my being a women and the different treatment I receive because of it. And, I'm becoming more vocal about it. And more pissed off about it. In the last three years we have hired two new faculty, both male, one of whom has been fairly anti-female. I'm running into some major problems with a collaborator from another country who will tell me I'm wrong, ignore my work, or worse yet do it over. But will praise the same techniques when presented to him by my advisor. I'm finding the prevailing attitude to be that I'm only doing this to bide my time until my husband finishes his degree. I think Am I a Women Scientist states it best in her profile. "if you ever forget that you’re a woman, someone will always be around to remind you."

So why? What is up with the world? Why is this anti-lady attitude making a comeback in young PhDs? Was I right that all the feminism pissed them off too much? Will it get better? Why should I stick it out?

So I'm a feminist. While this self discovery is a good thing. I'm note sure it's a great thing. On some level, I'm becoming paranoid. I've started to attribute almost every action that offends me as an anti-feminine gesture. I'm touchy and uppity and a bit mouthy about it. This is not helpful. This behavior makes it worse for others who follow. But without a little uppitiness can it get better? What's the balance?

The feminist in me is part of the reason for the new blog, without my real identity attached. I think these thoughts are important to share, but I can't share them without fear of repercussions in my non-blog life. The parts that make me whole seem to be socially incompatible. Maybe by writing about them I'll change those social perceptions. I can be a feminist who knits. I can be a wife with a career. I can be a scientist who wears a bra. The rules of decades past need not apply anymore.