So, the blog was quiet for a while. Quite a while. Actually it was "private" for quite awhile, so effectively it didn't exist. That was a decision I made when life was getting fuzzy in the world of tenure. I got concerned that maybe the blog was an outlet for unhappiness, and that wasn't what I wanted to put out in the world. I set it to private and moved happily along. A few months ago, I was contacted by someone on Ravelry looking for my "patterns". I think of them more as recipes. It got me thinking about the good ol' blog. For a while think was all I did. Many things have changed in my life and I wasn't sure there was the space or need for this anymore: I still science (now with tenure). I still knit (not quite as much). I still have hobbies (some new ones to share).
I'm still a wife. I'm still a woman. Now I'm a mother too. I've changed. For the better. As it should be.
In the past few weeks a few things have made me think more seriously about rejoining the blog, and more broadly the community. n light of the recent election and the abundance of negativity in the world, we have shut off the news and turned down the Facebook. This left space. Space to think. Space to be. Space to re-engage. As part of this, I've rediscovered podcasts as a way to pass the time while I drive, and the universe seems to be leading me to a common theme: You get what you give and you are more than one thing.
So maybe there is space and need for this. Maybe I still have something to say. But something that spreads joy and not angst. Truth, but compassion. So for know that's where I am. In the space between the ebb and flow of life. We'll see where it takes us. I'll leave you with this quote heard via Elizabeth Gilbert's Magic Lessons Podcast episode 1. It inspired me today. Maybe it will inspire you, my imaginary blog reader as well.
“I think of my writing simply in terms of pleasure. It’s the most important thing in my life: making things.
Much as I love my husband and children, I love them only because I am
the person who makes things. I am who I am is the person who has the
project of making a thing. And because that person does that all the
time, that person is able to love all those other people.” - A.S. Byatt
Next time we'll talk about what's been going on in my knitting world, and maybe in my science world, and likely in my stationary world.
Showing posts with label the roller coaster. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the roller coaster. Show all posts
Monday, November 21, 2016
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
I think I got someone fired.
I hate the feeling that goes with that.
But, no matter what way I think about it, it needed to be done.
This is another one of those sneaky things that you don't really learn in grad school and just have to navigate through once you jump on the TT. You are a boss. I never wanted to be a "boss". I just want to do some science. I just want to teach my classes.
It's a bit different from the "real world" because sometimes you are directly a boss to student workers on a particular project, similarly technicians or other wage-based employees and sometimes you are indirectly more a boss/supervisor/mentor/teacher/advisor all-in-one combo to graduate students who you pay off of a grant or someone else pays them to TA or RA for you. Every situation is different and when everyone does what's expected of them the situation works out just fine.
But, sometimes it doesn't work out. That's where it gets sticky. When someone doesn't do their job they have to be let go. Conflict of this nature isn't in my personality, but when need be I try to confront it. These situations can get even more complicated, in large projects where there can be several PIs, several technicians, and multiple graduate students. Everyone has an immediate supervisor, but often you work for more than one person, or find yourself in need of the services of someone who your colleague "employs" rather than you directly, but still you are a "superior".
This is what I found myself smack in the middle of last week. A technician employed by a co-PI decided hat he was my boss and felt the need to advise me on how to run my field project, in a very disrespectful and passive aggressive email. I had to stand up and get a bit bitchy. In the end, I don't really know exactly what happened to him; I just know that he is now "out of the picture".
The objective side of me knows that a) he didn't do his job which is why there was a conflict to begin with and b) he was disrespectful and combative to a "superior" and that in a real world that behavior isn't tolerated.
The girlie side of me feels like crap.
I also feel quite conflicted, because on some level I believe that the whole fiasco stems from a false sense of chivalry - coupled with a little sexism. I'm a petite girl. It's a moderate size field installation. I say moderate, because it is larger than my collaborators have implemented before, but relatively simple by my standards (which is why they asked me to be on the project to begin with-oh the irony). But somehow, no one wants me to be in the field. I get a lot of "we'll take care of that", and then it's not ever done, so when I finally put my foot down and insisted on getting something done by a specific date - all hell broke loose.
In the end the project will get done. I'll likely not work with this particular team again for reasons that extend beyond just this incident, but I do wish I wasn't forced to be the bad guy, when really I was just using my past experience to get the job done.
In the meantime, I've just received a copy of "The Art of Being a Scientist" and by first skim it looks like it might have some good advice on how to navigate some mentoring waters a bit better.
I hate the feeling that goes with that.
But, no matter what way I think about it, it needed to be done.
This is another one of those sneaky things that you don't really learn in grad school and just have to navigate through once you jump on the TT. You are a boss. I never wanted to be a "boss". I just want to do some science. I just want to teach my classes.
It's a bit different from the "real world" because sometimes you are directly a boss to student workers on a particular project, similarly technicians or other wage-based employees and sometimes you are indirectly more a boss/supervisor/mentor/teacher/advisor all-in-one combo to graduate students who you pay off of a grant or someone else pays them to TA or RA for you. Every situation is different and when everyone does what's expected of them the situation works out just fine.
But, sometimes it doesn't work out. That's where it gets sticky. When someone doesn't do their job they have to be let go. Conflict of this nature isn't in my personality, but when need be I try to confront it. These situations can get even more complicated, in large projects where there can be several PIs, several technicians, and multiple graduate students. Everyone has an immediate supervisor, but often you work for more than one person, or find yourself in need of the services of someone who your colleague "employs" rather than you directly, but still you are a "superior".
This is what I found myself smack in the middle of last week. A technician employed by a co-PI decided hat he was my boss and felt the need to advise me on how to run my field project, in a very disrespectful and passive aggressive email. I had to stand up and get a bit bitchy. In the end, I don't really know exactly what happened to him; I just know that he is now "out of the picture".
The objective side of me knows that a) he didn't do his job which is why there was a conflict to begin with and b) he was disrespectful and combative to a "superior" and that in a real world that behavior isn't tolerated.
The girlie side of me feels like crap.
I also feel quite conflicted, because on some level I believe that the whole fiasco stems from a false sense of chivalry - coupled with a little sexism. I'm a petite girl. It's a moderate size field installation. I say moderate, because it is larger than my collaborators have implemented before, but relatively simple by my standards (which is why they asked me to be on the project to begin with-oh the irony). But somehow, no one wants me to be in the field. I get a lot of "we'll take care of that", and then it's not ever done, so when I finally put my foot down and insisted on getting something done by a specific date - all hell broke loose.
In the end the project will get done. I'll likely not work with this particular team again for reasons that extend beyond just this incident, but I do wish I wasn't forced to be the bad guy, when really I was just using my past experience to get the job done.
In the meantime, I've just received a copy of "The Art of Being a Scientist" and by first skim it looks like it might have some good advice on how to navigate some mentoring waters a bit better.
Thursday, March 11, 2010
The Two-Body Problem - Part 3- Making the best of it and taking control
To make a long story short, a full year went by, with little success on the soft-money front. Hub wrote several grants, large and small, and we even wrote one together. All came back with decent reviews, but didn't quite make the cut. He continued to work on publishing papers and got two under review, he went to a conference, and that was just generally the life we settled into. He managed to hook up with some other folks on campus and "consult out" some of his survey technique skills and experience with social data, which resulted in the equivalent of 3 months of salary. (he did the work in October, and got his first check in mid January, but that is an entirely different story of incompetence and idiocracy at it's best).
All in all, it wasn't that bad, but it also wasn't that great. He was stretching his skills to participate in projects that had cash associated with them, he was hanging out in the attic, and coming upon road block after road block with the logistics of his appointment/position/etc. After 12 months it was getting really old. His "appointment" had no legitimacy with it and ultimately, he was just some guy they let hang out in the attic. After a year, it was time to re-evaluate. But, we weren't entirely sure what to do. No place was hiring, and we had spend all those years in school to get the PhD, so it seemed a shame to waste it. We were kind of at an impasse on Hub's career path.
I'm not going to lie to you, and I'm not going to belabor the point, but the situation was starting to put a strain on our marriage and our lives in general. The number of emotions and stress wrapped up in the situation was high, and it was starting to take a toll. The lack of stability really starts to weigh on you after a while. We pressed on, but both of us knew that the situation wasn't sustainable, and that something had to change. So, at the start of the school year, we decided that we would selectively pursue other opportunities that came available. What that meant in practical terms was that we both were keeping an eye on the job boards, and specifically, hub would expand his job search nationally, and we would consider all options. We were going to take control of the situation and do our best to change it (for the better).
Meanwhile...on the TT ride, I was on a really long downhill slide.
All in all, it wasn't that bad, but it also wasn't that great. He was stretching his skills to participate in projects that had cash associated with them, he was hanging out in the attic, and coming upon road block after road block with the logistics of his appointment/position/etc. After 12 months it was getting really old. His "appointment" had no legitimacy with it and ultimately, he was just some guy they let hang out in the attic. After a year, it was time to re-evaluate. But, we weren't entirely sure what to do. No place was hiring, and we had spend all those years in school to get the PhD, so it seemed a shame to waste it. We were kind of at an impasse on Hub's career path.
I'm not going to lie to you, and I'm not going to belabor the point, but the situation was starting to put a strain on our marriage and our lives in general. The number of emotions and stress wrapped up in the situation was high, and it was starting to take a toll. The lack of stability really starts to weigh on you after a while. We pressed on, but both of us knew that the situation wasn't sustainable, and that something had to change. So, at the start of the school year, we decided that we would selectively pursue other opportunities that came available. What that meant in practical terms was that we both were keeping an eye on the job boards, and specifically, hub would expand his job search nationally, and we would consider all options. We were going to take control of the situation and do our best to change it (for the better).
Meanwhile...on the TT ride, I was on a really long downhill slide.
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Back on the Ride
Well I came be back from the field and jumped right back on that TT rollar coaster. It has been 3+ weeks of non-stop chaos. I'm exhausted and there is no end in sight. This is a recurring theme here, and somedays I'm not sure that it's the theme I want to be living. At the same time I can't think of anything else I'd rather be doing, so I slog on. (That's not entirely true, I'd rather be traveling the world, but that's a bit unrealistic methinks).
This semester adds a couple of new dimensions to the ride though, so I thought it might be worthy of a blog post. I am an advisor. Yup, you heard me right, the shoe is most definitely on the other foot now, and I've got to tell you it's terrifying, fun, and frustrating all at once. I have two students, different as night and day. Both are going to be great graduate students and I'm sure they will succeed, but all that stuff between know and then is definitely going to be interesting.
This experience has gotten me doing some self-reflection. I've been trying to remember what it was like to be in their shoes. A brand new graduate student, fresh out of undergrad, trying to figure out what's what and make a go of it. Moving farther away from home, having a pseudo salary, balancing courses and research, narrowing down a research topic at all. Figuring out just what research is anyways.
I've been doing this mostly to remind myself that I shouldn't expect them to know everything all at once; what's natural to my trained research brain is completely foreign to an untrained one. In the process it's made me remember some stuff too. Over the course of my graduate school career I had two different advisers (one for my M.S. and one for my PhD). I had very close relationships with both of them, but at the same time, both relationships were very different. Which reminds me that there are many different ways this can succeed, there is no magic formula.
Both were fantastic advisers and both taught me different things.
AND both probably deserve very nice letters thanking them for what the gave me, and apologizing for what I gave them, particularly the one that got me first, because if I had even a little in common with my new students, I'm sure I'm responsible for some gray hairs on his head!!
This semester adds a couple of new dimensions to the ride though, so I thought it might be worthy of a blog post. I am an advisor. Yup, you heard me right, the shoe is most definitely on the other foot now, and I've got to tell you it's terrifying, fun, and frustrating all at once. I have two students, different as night and day. Both are going to be great graduate students and I'm sure they will succeed, but all that stuff between know and then is definitely going to be interesting.
This experience has gotten me doing some self-reflection. I've been trying to remember what it was like to be in their shoes. A brand new graduate student, fresh out of undergrad, trying to figure out what's what and make a go of it. Moving farther away from home, having a pseudo salary, balancing courses and research, narrowing down a research topic at all. Figuring out just what research is anyways.
I've been doing this mostly to remind myself that I shouldn't expect them to know everything all at once; what's natural to my trained research brain is completely foreign to an untrained one. In the process it's made me remember some stuff too. Over the course of my graduate school career I had two different advisers (one for my M.S. and one for my PhD). I had very close relationships with both of them, but at the same time, both relationships were very different. Which reminds me that there are many different ways this can succeed, there is no magic formula.
Both were fantastic advisers and both taught me different things.
AND both probably deserve very nice letters thanking them for what the gave me, and apologizing for what I gave them, particularly the one that got me first, because if I had even a little in common with my new students, I'm sure I'm responsible for some gray hairs on his head!!
Sunday, July 5, 2009
The pre project jitters
I'm here in a hotel room the night before my first field project. Not my actual first field project, you all know I've been in the field before. The blogging started because of a field project. But this is the first one that I'm actually responsible for. I wrote the proposal (very small one to my University) that got some of the money. I hired the students. I did the planning with the collaborators. I got all the stuff here. I did have some driving help from hub, so I can't take all the credit for that.
I am very nervous.
I know I shouldn't be very nervous, I've done all the planning. At least I think I have: I have the nagging feeling that I forgot something but that's just life. I mostly know what to expect even though I haven't seen the site, I've studied the maps and all that jazz. I've gotten all the right permissions, blah blah blah. Planning a field project of any scale is no small task, but I think we've done it. It's all gone pretty smoothly since we started planning early, so maybe that's why I'm nervous. No last minute craziness, hence I have time to worry? (and apparently blog)
Still I'm nervous.
Maybe it's because the last one went so bad.
I'm trying not to think about that. On top of the nervous I'm very excited. My own project, mostly on my terms, and with a collaborator I couldn't be more excited to work with. That's all really exciting. She's just a few years older than me, here research fills in the gaps of mine and vice versa, and she is supersmart, award winning smart, so I know that this work will be top notch. I just hope I'm up to snuff for her. There's that nervous again.
This is one of those situations where I feel decidedly un-professorial. Like I'm really just a kid playing at grown-up. Just one more hill on the tenure track I guess.
I am very nervous.
I know I shouldn't be very nervous, I've done all the planning. At least I think I have: I have the nagging feeling that I forgot something but that's just life. I mostly know what to expect even though I haven't seen the site, I've studied the maps and all that jazz. I've gotten all the right permissions, blah blah blah. Planning a field project of any scale is no small task, but I think we've done it. It's all gone pretty smoothly since we started planning early, so maybe that's why I'm nervous. No last minute craziness, hence I have time to worry? (and apparently blog)
Still I'm nervous.
Maybe it's because the last one went so bad.
I'm trying not to think about that. On top of the nervous I'm very excited. My own project, mostly on my terms, and with a collaborator I couldn't be more excited to work with. That's all really exciting. She's just a few years older than me, here research fills in the gaps of mine and vice versa, and she is supersmart, award winning smart, so I know that this work will be top notch. I just hope I'm up to snuff for her. There's that nervous again.
This is one of those situations where I feel decidedly un-professorial. Like I'm really just a kid playing at grown-up. Just one more hill on the tenure track I guess.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
It's the little things
I think I've had an ah-ha moment.
I started keeping track of the good days and bad days as a way to figure out why I wasn't happy here. I thought it would be enlightening and I thought overall that I'd find that things weren't as bad as I thought they were. I documented the first three weeks and it seemed that my hypothesis was right. More days were good than bad. Weeks 4 and 5 were more of the same. Some really bad stuff, mixed in with some really good stuff. I took a trip home and got knocked out by a major cold somewhere in there so they updates didn't happen, but rest assured, while a 4 hour budget meeting truly sucks, I find joy and satisfaction in starting new collaborations so good > bad.
This discovery, however, has not solved the problem. While I mostly love my job, and can mostly handle the craptacular politics that come with it, I'm still finding myself not overly happy here.
Here's the ah-ha. It's not the job. It's not the tenure track (which I'm starting to think might be worthy of it's own blog). It's not my house, or my stress about finances, or the stress of still owning that other house, or being away from everyone I love, or even my husband's joblessness. I'm sure all of those things contribute to the general blahs, but I've come to terms with them, and rarely think about them these days.
What is it? It's the little things. It's not being able to easily make a Doctor's appointment (we had take two on that today, it didn't go much better), or the pains of finding a new hairstylist, or relearning how to vote, or regularly getting lost, or filing paperwork for health insurance, or learning a new driving style, or walking barefoot in the yard (fireants yikes!), or the million other little things that we do every day without thinking about them...that is until we can't do them, or worse get very strange looks when we do do them. It's the constant low-level anxiety that exists when you are a stranger in a strange land.
It's kind of like traveling. I love to travel. But, no matter how much I love exploring a new place, after 2 weeks in an environment where you don't speak the language and can't read the menus a McDonald's is a really welcome sight. It's not that you hate being where you are, or even enjoy the culture any less, but there is a certain level of anxiety that wears on you, mentally and physically, when you are constantly in an environment where the simple things become difficult, and a glimpse of something safe can take it all away.
But, I didn't move to another country, just another state. There's a McDonald's and Burger King on every corner, and for sure they speak English here.
Last week I went to a Burger King that didn't have any burger's and y'all and yat were not in my version of Webster's, but I hear them quite often.
So there it is. I'm in a foreign country and I don't think I'm going to find a McDonald's anytime soon. I suppose I'll learn the language and culture over time, but right now, I'd kill for some fries. :)
I started keeping track of the good days and bad days as a way to figure out why I wasn't happy here. I thought it would be enlightening and I thought overall that I'd find that things weren't as bad as I thought they were. I documented the first three weeks and it seemed that my hypothesis was right. More days were good than bad. Weeks 4 and 5 were more of the same. Some really bad stuff, mixed in with some really good stuff. I took a trip home and got knocked out by a major cold somewhere in there so they updates didn't happen, but rest assured, while a 4 hour budget meeting truly sucks, I find joy and satisfaction in starting new collaborations so good > bad.
This discovery, however, has not solved the problem. While I mostly love my job, and can mostly handle the craptacular politics that come with it, I'm still finding myself not overly happy here.
Here's the ah-ha. It's not the job. It's not the tenure track (which I'm starting to think might be worthy of it's own blog). It's not my house, or my stress about finances, or the stress of still owning that other house, or being away from everyone I love, or even my husband's joblessness. I'm sure all of those things contribute to the general blahs, but I've come to terms with them, and rarely think about them these days.
What is it? It's the little things. It's not being able to easily make a Doctor's appointment (we had take two on that today, it didn't go much better), or the pains of finding a new hairstylist, or relearning how to vote, or regularly getting lost, or filing paperwork for health insurance, or learning a new driving style, or walking barefoot in the yard (fireants yikes!), or the million other little things that we do every day without thinking about them...that is until we can't do them, or worse get very strange looks when we do do them. It's the constant low-level anxiety that exists when you are a stranger in a strange land.
It's kind of like traveling. I love to travel. But, no matter how much I love exploring a new place, after 2 weeks in an environment where you don't speak the language and can't read the menus a McDonald's is a really welcome sight. It's not that you hate being where you are, or even enjoy the culture any less, but there is a certain level of anxiety that wears on you, mentally and physically, when you are constantly in an environment where the simple things become difficult, and a glimpse of something safe can take it all away.
But, I didn't move to another country, just another state. There's a McDonald's and Burger King on every corner, and for sure they speak English here.
Last week I went to a Burger King that didn't have any burger's and y'all and yat were not in my version of Webster's, but I hear them quite often.
So there it is. I'm in a foreign country and I don't think I'm going to find a McDonald's anytime soon. I suppose I'll learn the language and culture over time, but right now, I'd kill for some fries. :)
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Roller Coaster Week # 3
Sorry, it's almost the end of week 4, I'm a bit behind. Week 3 was meh.
Nothing good, nothing bad. Class took a lot of my time, and I didn't really feel like I was on top it. I did manage to find some time to work on a paper and get back to science which was good. I had one phone conversation with that annoying colleague, which, while the subtext is always sexist and insulting, he can also be kind of funny. I'm mostly just learning to laugh at him. Maybe if I can take the high road I'll eventually convince him girls aren't all that bad. Beyond that, I don't really remember much. Just a normal busy week. I'm going to tally it at 4 oks and 1 good.
Nothing good, nothing bad. Class took a lot of my time, and I didn't really feel like I was on top it. I did manage to find some time to work on a paper and get back to science which was good. I had one phone conversation with that annoying colleague, which, while the subtext is always sexist and insulting, he can also be kind of funny. I'm mostly just learning to laugh at him. Maybe if I can take the high road I'll eventually convince him girls aren't all that bad. Beyond that, I don't really remember much. Just a normal busy week. I'm going to tally it at 4 oks and 1 good.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Roller Coaster Week 2
So many things to blog, so little time. Just a quick roller coaster update before we go enjoy the beautiful weather outside, and hopefully I'll get to the knitting and those beautiful pictures ashpags took last week.
Here we go...hold on to your pants....this week was...good...shocker I know!
One mildly frustrating incident with some inter-departmental competitive politics that seem to be a) more prevalent in my particular University and department and b) heightened because of the impending budget cuts. It did result in one rude/insulting email. Keeping my average at 1 per week. But since this time it was over a fairly isolated and less important topic, it was easier to let it go. Plus it was on the same day as knit night, which always cheers me up. I'm starting to come to realize that these rude emails may be due to some generational gaps and potentially sexist personalities and may not be simply because the senders are jerks. Although, arguably, someone who can't get over the generational gaps and women working in academia may inherently be a jerk.
Teaching also went well this week, my students are starting to open up and discuss issues in class, which is the benefit of small classes. To top that off I gave a research seminar in another department and people were interested in what I do. For the first time, I found other faculty and students interested in what I do. I'm kind of hoping that I can get some type of appointment in this other department since it's where I actually belong. And, in said other department the women faculty are trying to get together for group bag lunch once a week and they invited me and I went and it was so nice to not eat at my desk! Overall it was a big week at the U.
In addition we had dinner last night. I'm sure most of you had dinner last night, but this was especially important because we had dinner with other people!! One of the things we have been struggling with here is the lack of socialization. We had a big social network back home, and there was rarely a weekend/week that went by when we didn't share at least one meal with other people. Now that they are gone, I realize how precious those moments, the simple act of eating and talking, really were. Aside, from all of the crap in academia, this has been the hardest part of the move. The isolation that comes from having no friends is killing people like us who value friendship so dearly. (I don't want my family to be offended, I miss them more, but family is always family, you can't grow more) So last night, going out to dinner with new people, fun people, young faculty-types, both hub and I together, was very nice. Will they become the support network we left behind, I don't know, maybe, maybe not. But just talking and laughing felt so good.
So, total roller coaster count: good(6), ok(3), bad(1)
Yea, the good is winning, for now I feel a little more is right in the world.
Here we go...hold on to your pants....this week was...good...shocker I know!
One mildly frustrating incident with some inter-departmental competitive politics that seem to be a) more prevalent in my particular University and department and b) heightened because of the impending budget cuts. It did result in one rude/insulting email. Keeping my average at 1 per week. But since this time it was over a fairly isolated and less important topic, it was easier to let it go. Plus it was on the same day as knit night, which always cheers me up. I'm starting to come to realize that these rude emails may be due to some generational gaps and potentially sexist personalities and may not be simply because the senders are jerks. Although, arguably, someone who can't get over the generational gaps and women working in academia may inherently be a jerk.
Teaching also went well this week, my students are starting to open up and discuss issues in class, which is the benefit of small classes. To top that off I gave a research seminar in another department and people were interested in what I do. For the first time, I found other faculty and students interested in what I do. I'm kind of hoping that I can get some type of appointment in this other department since it's where I actually belong. And, in said other department the women faculty are trying to get together for group bag lunch once a week and they invited me and I went and it was so nice to not eat at my desk! Overall it was a big week at the U.
In addition we had dinner last night. I'm sure most of you had dinner last night, but this was especially important because we had dinner with other people!! One of the things we have been struggling with here is the lack of socialization. We had a big social network back home, and there was rarely a weekend/week that went by when we didn't share at least one meal with other people. Now that they are gone, I realize how precious those moments, the simple act of eating and talking, really were. Aside, from all of the crap in academia, this has been the hardest part of the move. The isolation that comes from having no friends is killing people like us who value friendship so dearly. (I don't want my family to be offended, I miss them more, but family is always family, you can't grow more) So last night, going out to dinner with new people, fun people, young faculty-types, both hub and I together, was very nice. Will they become the support network we left behind, I don't know, maybe, maybe not. But just talking and laughing felt so good.
So, total roller coaster count: good(6), ok(3), bad(1)
Yea, the good is winning, for now I feel a little more is right in the world.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Roller Coaster Week 1
I got alot of encouragement about Monday's post, and I thank everyone for that. I have been keeping track and I thought that I might try to do a weekly(ish) update on the life of a new tenure track faculty. This is partly because I think the whole exercise will be good for me and partly because I think it might be good for others.
So here we go, week 1. Good (2), Bad (1), OK (2).
Overall the week was more good than bad, which surprised me a bit. The bad day was caused by some major rudeness from another professor across campus, whom I've never met, but gave me the vague feeling that a "conflict" might be in my near future. That was early Monday morning, and I had a similiar rude experience with another professor last week so it was hard to take it lightly. For the record, the rudeness is not in my head, others read the emails for both instances, and had similar feelings, and my department head offered to back me up in both situations, and took great care to make sure that I knew that I had done nothing out of line to deserve this treatment. Last week's situation was resolved; not to my liking, but I at least stood my ground and carried it out to the best of my abilities, without having pissed anyone off. A skill that I am rapidly learning to master.
Tuesday's grant news was very good and it's hard to get knocked down off that high. Even a killer sinus headache that stuck around for most of the rest of the week didn't completely ruin my days. Neither did the faculty meeting for that matter. The grant also required me to get back in touch with the collaborators and the joy of science was reignited. It also reminded me that I can pick up the phone and have someone to work with and comiserate with a bit, which made me feel less alone. It is important to keep those professional/friendly contacts alive, especially since I haven't really made any at the new U yet. Teaching could have gone better this week, but it wasn't dreadful, I'm still new and I'm still learning, everyone says that you will improve your teaching with time and practice. The students tell me they are learning, so that's what really matters.
Today was good. I did some socialization with the other knitters on campus, which was very nice. Several in my regular knit night are grad students here, so they are going through what I went through a few years back, are headed towards what I'm going through now, and they knit, so there is always lots to talk about :) They are much closer to my age then any of the faculty I see on a regular basis (by about 15 years or so) and I enjoy spending time with them and they've been super nice to me, even if I am an old woman!
I still feel like I'm behind on my work, but I think in some sense ever faculty feels like that all the time. The thing is no one says it.
So there you have it. I like that I'm starting this experiment on a positive note. I know that not every week will have more good than bad, but I don't feel like I'm in the hole or anything.
So here we go, week 1. Good (2), Bad (1), OK (2).
Overall the week was more good than bad, which surprised me a bit. The bad day was caused by some major rudeness from another professor across campus, whom I've never met, but gave me the vague feeling that a "conflict" might be in my near future. That was early Monday morning, and I had a similiar rude experience with another professor last week so it was hard to take it lightly. For the record, the rudeness is not in my head, others read the emails for both instances, and had similar feelings, and my department head offered to back me up in both situations, and took great care to make sure that I knew that I had done nothing out of line to deserve this treatment. Last week's situation was resolved; not to my liking, but I at least stood my ground and carried it out to the best of my abilities, without having pissed anyone off. A skill that I am rapidly learning to master.
Tuesday's grant news was very good and it's hard to get knocked down off that high. Even a killer sinus headache that stuck around for most of the rest of the week didn't completely ruin my days. Neither did the faculty meeting for that matter. The grant also required me to get back in touch with the collaborators and the joy of science was reignited. It also reminded me that I can pick up the phone and have someone to work with and comiserate with a bit, which made me feel less alone. It is important to keep those professional/friendly contacts alive, especially since I haven't really made any at the new U yet. Teaching could have gone better this week, but it wasn't dreadful, I'm still new and I'm still learning, everyone says that you will improve your teaching with time and practice. The students tell me they are learning, so that's what really matters.
Today was good. I did some socialization with the other knitters on campus, which was very nice. Several in my regular knit night are grad students here, so they are going through what I went through a few years back, are headed towards what I'm going through now, and they knit, so there is always lots to talk about :) They are much closer to my age then any of the faculty I see on a regular basis (by about 15 years or so) and I enjoy spending time with them and they've been super nice to me, even if I am an old woman!
I still feel like I'm behind on my work, but I think in some sense ever faculty feels like that all the time. The thing is no one says it.
So there you have it. I like that I'm starting this experiment on a positive note. I know that not every week will have more good than bad, but I don't feel like I'm in the hole or anything.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Riding the Roller Coaster
You might have been able to guess from the snarky edition last week that things weren't going so well around here. This is both the complete truth and a blatant lie at the same time. It is the enigma we all know as life. Yesterday was bad (bad enough for me to start looking at job postings), today is good (NSF grant! woohoo!), and it's anyone's guess what tomorrow will hold. It's a roller coaster with the ups and downs coming faster than you can handle. Mornings can be good, one email can change it all and make you feel like the gum on the bottom of someone's shoe. I've always maintained a "c'est la vie" mostly optimistic attitude, beleiving that as long as the good outweighed the bad, I was leading a quality life and couldn't really ask for much more.
Here's the thing: What to do when the ups and downs are just about equal, or the balance starts to tip and your're feeling like you want off the ride more often than you are enjoying it? Is it just a rough patch? Does the long term average count for more? Or is it an indication that it's time to take a long hard look and figure out what's causing the imbalance?
There have been times in my life when I knew a change was required. The balance was clearly tipped and the long term average just wasn't ever going to make it ok. I've always been pretty good about knowing myself well enough to know what was right and what was wrong, for me and then taking the steps to fix it. I do beleive that to some extent our fate is in our own hands, so I rarely take the wait an see approach, preferring to be a little more pro-active in my life.
But here I am on a rollar coaster bigger, scarier and more stressful than I've been on before, and I'm not sure I like it, and I'm not sure I want to ride it until it's over. (I guess all new rollar coasters feel that way the first time you ride them, but once you survive they feel like kiddie rides in the rear-view mirror, but still...)
We are just shy of 6 months post move so I no longer consider my life to be "in transition". You see, to me the rules of self-evaluation don't apply to the transistion periods, all bets are off.
When I discuss this situation with others who have riden on the tenure track, they say the first year is just like that, give it a year before making any drastic decisions. So as difficult as it might be I'll give it the year, but I need a plan.
So, here's my plan, in a pseudo-scientific manor, I'm going to keep track, (mostly) day by day. Good, bad, ugly, ok. I'm going to keep track of why good, bad, ugly, or ok (i.e. is is my doing or someone elses that I can learn to shrug off) and I"m going to try to tell the stories behind the good, bad, ugly, and ok. I'm going to take a tally. Then we'll see where we are.
This is the roller coast we call the tenure track. My internal optimistic, hopes (and very nearly beleives) that this will be an inspirational activity for any tenure track riders just slightly behind me, but we'll see, I don't like my science to be tainted by preconceived notions, then it's not science :)
Here's the thing: What to do when the ups and downs are just about equal, or the balance starts to tip and your're feeling like you want off the ride more often than you are enjoying it? Is it just a rough patch? Does the long term average count for more? Or is it an indication that it's time to take a long hard look and figure out what's causing the imbalance?
There have been times in my life when I knew a change was required. The balance was clearly tipped and the long term average just wasn't ever going to make it ok. I've always been pretty good about knowing myself well enough to know what was right and what was wrong, for me and then taking the steps to fix it. I do beleive that to some extent our fate is in our own hands, so I rarely take the wait an see approach, preferring to be a little more pro-active in my life.
But here I am on a rollar coaster bigger, scarier and more stressful than I've been on before, and I'm not sure I like it, and I'm not sure I want to ride it until it's over. (I guess all new rollar coasters feel that way the first time you ride them, but once you survive they feel like kiddie rides in the rear-view mirror, but still...)
We are just shy of 6 months post move so I no longer consider my life to be "in transition". You see, to me the rules of self-evaluation don't apply to the transistion periods, all bets are off.
When I discuss this situation with others who have riden on the tenure track, they say the first year is just like that, give it a year before making any drastic decisions. So as difficult as it might be I'll give it the year, but I need a plan.
So, here's my plan, in a pseudo-scientific manor, I'm going to keep track, (mostly) day by day. Good, bad, ugly, ok. I'm going to keep track of why good, bad, ugly, or ok (i.e. is is my doing or someone elses that I can learn to shrug off) and I"m going to try to tell the stories behind the good, bad, ugly, and ok. I'm going to take a tally. Then we'll see where we are.
This is the roller coast we call the tenure track. My internal optimistic, hopes (and very nearly beleives) that this will be an inspirational activity for any tenure track riders just slightly behind me, but we'll see, I don't like my science to be tainted by preconceived notions, then it's not science :)
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