FO Friday

It's done!  Well, it has been done for a while, but I've been too lazy to take pictures.

Here she is. A whale of a tale!

This is my first completed project from New England Knits, which my sister gave me for Christmas to remind me of home and I want to knit everything from it!.

I had one ball of the navy and one ball of the white that I had purchased to try out for a different project, but decided it wasn't right for that.  It's knitpicks Palette.  The teal is a little - a very little - bit of Online Supersock 100 leftover from my Pomatomus.  I didn't have a fourth color like the pattern calls for so I just did a little row of navy at the edge of the chevrons.  Looks great, but it meant that there were a couple of rows that had all three colors floating around, which was a bit of an annoyance.

When it was done, it wasn't quite as floppy as I wanted, but blocking it flopped out a bit more and in the end I'm quite happy with it.  Of course it was 80 degrees here today, so it will be a while before the whales see the light of day again!

Real women have curves

So, just in case you missed the memo: women have hips.  Yup, hips and sometimes boobs too.  Today I'm just talking about hips - we can talk about boobs some other time.  Hips don't follow straight lines, they have curves.  This inherent, non-linear, feature of hips is a direct consequence of the shape of a women's hip bones. Now, I know I'm a physical scientist, so my knowledge of biology is well, lacking, but last time I checked, no diet in the world is going to change the shape of your bones.

Women have hips for a very good reason, a reason that is required by the biological imperative to preserve the human race.  Hips are curvy to carry babies.

At least that's what I thought.  I was happily going through life with my curvy hips thinking that it was normal.  Until this morning, when I decided to peruse the Sunday flyers and this caught my eye.

This is a page from this week's Target ad.  In general, I like to shop at Target, they have good products at a good price, they donate some of their profits to education, it's a pleasant shopping experience as far as big box store shopping goes, etc.  Truth be told, I buy clothes there too.  Professional looking clothes that I often get a lot of compliments on.  So typically, pants on sale at Target is a good thing for me.

Then I read a little closer.  Target is following in the footsteps of some higher end clothing stores and starting to sell pants by "fit". This is a phenomena that has appeared in the last few years. Different pants come in the same "fit" so, theoretically, you don't have to try on every pair in the store, but just the ones that have the waist where you want it and the legs the shape you like.  Sometimes the fits have numbers - Target is calling theirs 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 and 6 and other times they have cutesy names like "The Lolita" or "The Kate".  I would tend towards the "Kate" since it evokes visions of a classy princess-to-be and avoid the Lolita - given that it will most likely show more of my butt then is appropriate at my age.  (Men: if you have read this far and now find yourself dumb-founded, go ask your wives - this is true - shopping for pants these days practically requires a PhD in psychology)

So there I am, in my blissful curvy-hipped existence, thinking that I might be able to find some new pants at Target this week.  Until I looked a little closer...

Fit 1: Just below waist & relaxed hip/thigh
Fit 2: Just below waist & straight hip/thigh
Fit 3: Mid waist & straight hip/thigh
Fit 4: Mid waist & curvy hip/thigh
Fit 5: Low waist & straight hip/thigh
Fit 6: Lower waist & straight hip/thigh

WHAT????  4 of the 6 fits have "straight" hips?  Dear god, should we all fear for the future of the human race*?  Do women not have hips anymore?  Those curves serve a vital purpose, if on average - which I assume is the target demographic for Target - 4 out of 6 women don't have those very important curves, we're in big trouble.

Now I know that no one really thought this through.  I know that "straight hip/thigh" is fashion speak for  "form-fitting slut pants" and that's what's in fashion these days (seriously - can we be done with the damn skinny jeans already?). I  know that "relaxed hip/thigh" really means "baggy pants for the days you feel bloated" and "curvy hip/thigh" means these pants will likely fit you appropriately enough to wear to work.  I know there is a similar coding for the "waist" - mid = appropriate, low = not so much, high = grandma style.  So I  can still go to Target and get some pants.  Curvy - mid waist - average american women pants.

But, I am a grown women, with a healthy body image.  I know that I could stand to lose a few
extra pounds, but I also know that I am healthy and that there is a right way and a wrong way to lose them - and really if I want to keep them there's nothing wrong with that either.

BUT:

I am not a teenage girl, or a young women even, who is still vulnerable to the societal pressures of conforming - although some days I was.
I am not a girl who's lost some weight and still feels it's not enough. - although some days I am
I am not a girl whose parents insult her - and I am lucky that I never was and I never will be!
I am not a girl who gets teased - although some days I was.
I am not a girl who has low self-esteem  - although some days I am.
I am not a grown women with a healthy body image who just happened to feel "bloated" this morning - although some days I am.

If I was any one of those women, the message here is that I shouldn't have curves, that I should work harder to be "straight".  If I was one of those girls, I might find myself crying in a Target fitting room and checking out with a pair of sweatpants and a box of Oreos instead of real pants.

If I was any one of those women, I'd likely be a grown version of one of 70% of teenage girls in America today.

Some of you have young daughters.  Tell them they are beautiful.  Tell them that every day.

Some of you have sisters, some of you have friends. I think everyone of us knows one of those girls, or worse yet, everyone of us hides one of those girls way down deep inside at some point or another.

In the end, I'm not going to boycott Target or anything like that.  If I did I'd have to boycott every place else where I can buy pants too, or clothes at all really, and while I have the skills to make my own clothes, I certainly don't have the time!  I'll proudly go get a pair of those curvy ones, they look really nice and at $20 you can't be that with stick.

But, I am still sad that not everyone can recognize the bull and be proud of those curves!


*we probably should fear for the future of the human race, but I certainly don't think that it's because we have evolved past the ability to bear children. It is much more likely because we have too many children and are going to overpopulate the earth - but that's a whole other matter. 

How my healthcare is shortening my life

Today I called a doctor's office to set up a physical.  14 minutes and 27 seconds later, I hung up the phone. I was in tears and I didn't have an appointment.

This seemingly simple task, which should, in theory, be making me healthier in the long term, has now added stress and anxiety.  I'm sure that the stress is killing all of my cells just a little faster than nature does on it's own.

What happened? Why is it that, I, an intelligent well-educated women, can't make a doctor's appointment? Well, I'm not entirely sure of all the details, but it was something about the insurance doesn't cover it, and the cost, and but when my husband came we didn't pay that,  but that's because he had another condition so it wasn't just a "physical" and the bloodwork at our lab  (>$200) versus the lab across campus ($15-and you pick up the results on the 2nd floor, we're on the 3rd). Finally when I said I would pay whatever, we got to picking a date, there was a question about birth control and well then, if you get pregnant we can't take care of you would need to see an OBGYN instead and that's two new patient visits in a year and that's not allowed and ?!?!?!?!?!  I can recommend and OBGYN, you should call them instead, what hospital would you like to have your baby at if you did get pregnant?  Huh? What?

Before you all freak out, I am not pregnant.  I'm not planning to be, we've been batting around the idea.  Let's say that we have always known we wanted a kid "someday" and "someday" is starting to seem closer. Right now, I just need a doctor to check my blood, bang my knees and look down my throat, or whatever a physical constitutes these day.  I know most people don't do these things, but I have enough family history and friends with freaky illnesses that I think it's worth doing it every now and then.

To be honest I'm so confused  and there are so many things wrong with this situation, I don't even know where to start.  My blood pressure is raised, I want to cry more and I feel pretty crappy, all from trying to make sure I was healthy.   We live in a stupid world.  I had really bad experiences with doctors were we lived before this. I thought that it was just the particular location, my "northern" accent, or something else- but maybe it's just me.

Given my past experiences, I had a lot of anxiety about even picking up the phone, which is why I waited so long to do it.  This time, I did my research,  my husband has been seeing this doctor, many of my colleagues have been seeing this doctor, so, I bit the bullet, called the number and said exactly what everyone told me I needed to say to access the services I wanted. Yet still, I'm not getting those services.

We don't have stellar insurance here, I work for the state, and there is a substantial out-of-pocket amount (~$2500 per person) that you pay before you get covered.  They cover really big stuff, but not the stuff most people actually need in order to avoid getting to the really big stuff.  That's sucky model, but at least it's something.  I suppose something is better than nothing.  Although until I actually see a doctor, I feel like actually I have nothing.

I'm rambling, I know, but there has been a lot of talk lately about "healthcare reform" and "access to healthcare".  If you don't think that we need it in this country, if you don't think that it's important and that really it's only going to help poor people and screw over the rich, you are wrong.

So healthcare naysayers take this nugget of information:  I'm a university professor in my mid-30's with a "good health plan" and it seems that even I don't have "access to healthcare".

World Kidney Day

Today is world kidney day.

This seemingly random fact turns out to be not so random in my world.  Yesterday, my husband was diagnosed with kidney disease.  Likely it's not too serious and it can be slowed down with some medicine or at least that's the hope.  It's nice to finally have a diagnosis for the weird blood test results that have been coming back for several years, and we'll move on with our lives and a few more trips to a pharmacy.

Before today I didn't even know that there was an International kidney day.  I happened across that tidbit when doing some research on the new diagnosis this afternoon, and so right now I think it's kind of important.  I probably always will.

Here's the thing, we actually need a day like today.  I don't remind people about national cancer day*.  Everyone knows about cancer, everyone knows we need a cure.  Until 24 hours ago, I only vaguely was aware that people had kidneys, and somehow just assumed since it wasn't something anyone ever had asked me for a donation about, that modern medicine could fix them. In the past 24 hours, I have become painfully aware that that is not true, turns out we actually need International Kidney day.  Because really, when it comes down too it, we know squat about how to treat and prevent kidney diseases.  

Hub has had weird labs for ~5 years.  Just this fall this doctor decided it might be related to his kidney's and should be checked out.  Doctors need to know about kidney health.  Now that we know what's going on, there is very little information about what might happen.  As a scientist I'm pretty shocked about how little we know about the diseases that effect this rather important organ, despite the fact that we've been able to transplant them for years, we don't actually know how to keep them healthy. The world needs to know about kidney health.


So there you have it, my bit to get the word out.


*I'm not anti-cancer day or anything.  Cancer is horrible, and I've walked the walks, I donate, etc.  I just think that cancer awareness has made it mainstream, so the need for a special day to make people aware is no longer strictly necessary.

I think I got someone fired.

I hate the feeling that goes with that.

But, no matter what way I think about it, it needed to be done.

This is another one of those sneaky things that you don't really learn in grad school and just have to navigate through once you jump on the TT.  You are a boss.  I never wanted to be a "boss".  I just want to do some science.  I just want to teach my classes.

It's a bit different from the "real world" because sometimes you are directly a boss to student workers on a particular project, similarly technicians or other wage-based employees and sometimes you are indirectly more a boss/supervisor/mentor/teacher/advisor all-in-one combo to graduate students who you pay off of a grant or someone else pays them to TA or RA for you.  Every situation is different and when everyone does what's expected of them the situation works out just fine.

But, sometimes it doesn't work out.  That's where it gets sticky.  When someone doesn't do their job they have to be let go.  Conflict of this nature isn't in my personality, but when need be I try to confront it.  These situations can get even more complicated,  in large projects where there can be several PIs, several technicians, and multiple graduate students.  Everyone has an immediate supervisor, but often you work for more than one person, or find yourself in need of the services of someone who your colleague "employs" rather than you directly, but still you are a "superior".

This is what I found myself smack in the middle of last week. A technician employed by a co-PI decided hat he was my boss and felt the need to advise me on how to run my field project, in a very disrespectful and passive aggressive email.  I had to stand up and get a bit bitchy.  In the end, I don't really know exactly what happened to him; I just know that he is now "out of the picture".

The objective side of me knows that a) he didn't do his job which is why there was a conflict to begin with and b) he was disrespectful and combative to a "superior"  and that in a real world that behavior isn't tolerated.

The girlie side of me feels like crap.

I also feel quite conflicted, because on some level I believe that the whole fiasco stems from a false sense of chivalry - coupled with a little sexism.  I'm a petite girl. It's a moderate size field installation.  I say moderate, because it is larger than my collaborators have implemented before, but relatively simple by my standards (which is why they asked me to be on the project to begin with-oh the irony).   But somehow, no one wants me to be in the field.  I get a lot of "we'll take care of that", and then it's not ever done, so when I finally put my foot down and insisted on getting something done by a specific date - all hell broke loose.

In the end the project will get done. I'll likely not work with this particular team again for reasons that extend beyond just this incident, but I do wish I wasn't forced to be the bad guy, when really I was just using my past experience to get the job done.

In the meantime, I've just received a copy of "The Art of Being a Scientist" and by first skim it looks like it might have some good advice on how to navigate some mentoring waters a bit better.