Change of plans

You know in the Miss America pageant when they get down to the two finalists and it's time to announce the runner up, there is that awful tense moment when those two girls are just standing there and the mc is reading the whole thing about the responsibilities of the runner-up. "should Miss America in anyway be unable to fulfill her duties, then the runner up gets the crown, etc", then they announce the runner up, and she is neatly shuffled away for the crowning of the girl they didn't announce. I always felt bad for the girl, there you are, in the spotlight almost to your dream, and they call out your name because you are the loser. That you get the crown if she screws up is hardly a consolation. (particularly since it almost never happens). Anyways, in academics, the tenure track job is like that crown. It is what we work towards, but all of our energy towards, and being runner up is a small consolation.*

Not getting a tenure track position, but being good enough to interview for more than one is like standing in that circle. You are good enough to make the team, but not good enough to get off the bench (wow I'm just full of metaphors today). In any case it sucks, and it can make one feel a little lost. But, occasionally, for whatever reason, the superstars and the coaches can't agree and they call up those sitting on the bench.

I had the pleasure of receiving that phone call earlier this week: I have been offered a tenure track position! The negotiations of the first choice candidate did not meet success. I don't know why, maybe they took another job, maybe they couldn't convince their spouse to move to a new location, maybe they didn't think the salary was enough, there are lots of reasons, none of which reflect on the job, or relate to my situation, so I'm taking it. No hard feelings about being second. Turns out my time on the bench was really short compared to most so I can't complain too loudly, and getting called up, no matter what order you were in to start with (because the order is somewhat arbitrarily assigned anyways), is a really great feeling. A really really great feeling.

Until the realization that you actually have to play with the big boys, and oh yea move halfway across the country sets in, then it's terrifying.

*I once had a roommate who was a pageant queen, trust me on this, they work hard to look that good on TV.

Adding a little color to life

Today I did what any good knitter who feels a little down does. I went to the yarn store. Gasp! Yup, this is my first visit to a yarn store this year. THIS. YEAR. PEOPLE! I vowed to go on a yarn diet, with three exceptions to yarn purchasing. 1) The Webs tent sale, if I could get there. 2) Rhinebeck, if I could get there. 3) Purchases specifically for baby gifts to be made this year, I don't have much baby yarn in my stash, and people are getting prego left and right, so this was a must.

Now, I must come clean and admit the gods have conspired a bit to foil my year of destashing a bit. First, there was the unexpected win of a yarn club membership from Knitgrrl. That's a whole lot of yarn to be added to my stash, but not draining my pocketbook, and really how can a girl turn down free yarn. Free hand dyed yarn at that. Second, there was a tiny thing I forgot about, I joined the Neighborhood Fiber Co. Tour of DC Sock Club for three months, way back in November, so there were three more skeins of sock yarn coming my way. Third, I ordered some yarn for a baby project which you will be hearing about in a couple of days. Technically I have not violated any of my rules, but yet my stash grows. To be fair, however, ball for ball in and out it's about an even trade. So today, I slipped. Just a little.

I convinced myself it was ok because I really needed something soft to knit with on the plane tomorrow. (Yes, that is the plane home...finally). I've been knitting socks for hub with some trekking xxl, which is my favorite all time sock yarn, but it's a little rough on my very very very dry desert hands. I've also been working on Ellen's afghan, but I accidently put in the box of stuff I shipped home. Finally, I could work on the sleeve of hub's cobblestone, but the Skye Tweed is also a bit rough on the hands right now, but I digress. Soft yarn.

Well, it turns out that it my not just be the texture that sent me in search, but that army green, beige, and brown just aren't lifting my spirits enough. My soft yarn is 100% Alpaca from Lonesome Stone, color Hot Rod Red. Every reference I find to this yarn online says the skein should have ~665 yds, but mine says 340. The pictures aren't really doing it justice. It's bright and it's cheery and adds some much needed color to my world. Everything is brown here. The walls, the floors, the bedding, the sink, outside is the same, it hasn't rained all year, and I think the brown has really got me down. Well, the brown and other events of late. It was so cheery I had to cast on right away. The pattern is Lace Ribbon Scarf from knitty, on size 5s because that's what I had, and with less width because that's what I wanted. It makes me happy.

On that note, here is something else that makes me happy:

That's my suitcase, waiting for the clothes off my back so I can go home, for a solid four weeks. I have not stayed in one place for a solid four weeks yet this year, and my own bed, well that's just decadent.

Going Public

Well, I have some news to share. I will not be starting a tenure-track position in the fall. Of the 6 interviews I did this academic year, I was runner up in, yup, you guessed it all 6. I'm beginning to feel a bit like the Susan Lucci of academics.

There I said it.

This post has been ever evolving in my head. First it was going to be emotional because the emotions I'm feeling are intense, then it was going to be angry because there are some very unfair aspects of this outcome and I am pissed off, then it was going to be all girl power and screw the man, then for like a minute it was all strong and inspirational and we shall overcome, then an actual typed version was this sappy mess alternately apologizing and thanking my friends and family for the love and support they gave and I have squandered on a pipe dream.

The reality of this is that I'm a bit lost. The floor I talked about last time fell out and a rope has yet to appear (put some Indiana Jones music to that image and you are totally inside my head). It is difficult. But it is what it is. There may be blog silence for awhile because this is something I have to fight out inside my own head in my own time in my own way. The opposite may happen as well: this blog may become the outlet for some of the things that I need to deal with in this adventure we call life. Just know that I am ok, or I will be ok eventually, and don't worry, somehow that makes it worse.

Foiled and foiled again.

NOTE: This post was written last Sunday, but I didn't have internet until today. It's a bit out of context, but has some good thoughts, so enjoy.

Foiled! Before I left the hotel this morning I started a post about my week. Saved it on blogger and planned to finish it at the airport…forgetting that El Paso does not have free wireless internet! I’ve been here often enough in the last few months you’d think I’d remember that. Oh well. I guess I’ll just start over in my word editor and upload it again when I do have internet. It may show up slightly out of context, but whatever, this is a pretty random blog anyways.

It’s national park week. Or, the end of it at least. I was unaware of this fact, it seems that our president does occasionally do something I can get behind, go figure. In my ignorance, I managed to celebrate appropriately although accidentally. 4 parks/monuments/memorials in as many days. Finally, a one to one ratio I can get behind. Given my recent mutterings, you, my faithful readers may think that I despise traveling. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. I love to travel. It is actually one of my life passions. I want to see and do everything the world has to offer. I do despise traveling against my will, to places I’ve been, to do useless things, which has been the bulk of my recent miles. But, the traveling for fun, that I love. I seem to have inherited this particular love from my Dad, who absolutely cannot stay home by himself for more than two days. So this is how I ended up accidentally celebrating national park week. Mom and Dad had different school vacations this year, and their loving eldest just happened to be inhabiting a city within striking distance of three parks Pops had not yet visited. (aside: Dad is on a quest to visit every NPS location available and he’s presently sitting somewhere in the 80-90% range). So he cashed in some miles, came on by and off we went, old school road trip style.

This is a good time to mention that the NPS has played an important role in my life. In some way it has shaped the person I am today. The experiences I had on our numerous family trips in pursuit of Dad’s quest have inspired my love of travel, my love of nature, my love of science, and countless other loves that are a key part of whom I am today. More importantly, the family memories these parks created are priceless, and we are a stronger unit because of those times. Pretty much, they are a good thing all around, so it’s not like Dad twisted my arm on this trip, even though I had already visited these parks when I was here three years ago in an attempt to share my love for all of the above with my husband.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a park ranger. For some reason I did not choose that particular career path for reasons I can’t remember, although I suspect they had some practicality behind them. Instead I started my career pursuing life, following another path, one as far away from park ranger as you can get; an electrical engineer doesn’t see much outside time. As I progressed I ended up finding this niche that miraculously combines both: I get to use my fancy electronics to measure nature. So somehow I ended up right where I belonged….or so I thought.

Recently the job search has put me in the position of re-evaluating the above mentioned life choices, the emotional consequences of this are too great for me to talk/type about yet, so they are for another day. What is relevant here is that I’m in an odd place right now, lost in my own thoughts and questioning many things. The future is a bit muddy for me right now, and not in the way I like, when the unknown can be slightly exciting, but in the way were the floor is slowing creeping out from under you and you have yet to find the rope to grasp hold of. So it is from this new perspective I approached these parks this time around.

Dad was determined to make sure we did things I had not yet done yet at every park and this involved some ranger led activities. Including the sunset stroll at White Sand National Memorial. As we walked along, I managed to get my head out of the job mess and actually pay attention to the Ranger. As he told us about life in the dessert, I notice his uniform, the one that sparks all those good memories. The ranger uniform that I once hoped to wear has not changed a bit in the last 20 years, right down to those belts with the pine cones carved in them, they are as constant as the natural wonders they strive to protect. Anyways, it brought me back, and I found myself totally intrigued in what he had to say, finding his talk about how the sand moves in the air very relevant to what I do and for the first time in a long time I remembered how lucky I really am. I remembered that childhood desire to be a ranger, and realized that in a way I am. I help make the science that someday a ranger may apply to protecting/understanding their parks and spread to the public. I’m pretty damn lucky, I guess I should stop with the self pity routine. And then, there in the quiet beauty of the sunset over White Sands, I truly felt, for the first time in a long time, that it would all turn out OK.

So that is the story f my park trip, the parks can be many things to many people, or many things to one person. Go visit them, any one of them, they are all great. Take the spirit of National Park Week with you whenever you have the chance, and find you’re moment of peace. Or maybe just find the time to watch a sunset and achieve the same effect.

Ok, I’m off to meet my husband in Florida. Yup, you read that right.

* I apologize that these pictures are from the trip I took 3 years ago (top is white sands, lower is Guadalupe Mountains), trust me these places are preserved so not much has changed. I have new pictures but the cable for my camera is at home, and the card reader is at my apartment and I’m currently in a state different from either of those locations, headed for yet a different state. You’d think with all this traveling I would be better with the packing by now.