It's the little things

I think I've had an ah-ha moment.

I started keeping track of the good days and bad days as a way to figure out why I wasn't happy here. I thought it would be enlightening and I thought overall that I'd find that things weren't as bad as I thought they were. I documented the first three weeks and it seemed that my hypothesis was right. More days were good than bad. Weeks 4 and 5 were more of the same. Some really bad stuff, mixed in with some really good stuff. I took a trip home and got knocked out by a major cold somewhere in there so they updates didn't happen, but rest assured, while a 4 hour budget meeting truly sucks, I find joy and satisfaction in starting new collaborations so good > bad.

This discovery, however, has not solved the problem. While I mostly love my job, and can mostly handle the craptacular politics that come with it, I'm still finding myself not overly happy here.

Here's the ah-ha. It's not the job. It's not the tenure track (which I'm starting to think might be worthy of it's own blog). It's not my house, or my stress about finances, or the stress of still owning that other house, or being away from everyone I love, or even my husband's joblessness. I'm sure all of those things contribute to the general blahs, but I've come to terms with them, and rarely think about them these days.

What is it? It's the little things. It's not being able to easily make a Doctor's appointment (we had take two on that today, it didn't go much better), or the pains of finding a new hairstylist, or relearning how to vote, or regularly getting lost, or filing paperwork for health insurance, or learning a new driving style, or walking barefoot in the yard (fireants yikes!), or the million other little things that we do every day without thinking about them...that is until we can't do them, or worse get very strange looks when we do do them. It's the constant low-level anxiety that exists when you are a stranger in a strange land.

It's kind of like traveling. I love to travel. But, no matter how much I love exploring a new place, after 2 weeks in an environment where you don't speak the language and can't read the menus a McDonald's is a really welcome sight. It's not that you hate being where you are, or even enjoy the culture any less, but there is a certain level of anxiety that wears on you, mentally and physically, when you are constantly in an environment where the simple things become difficult, and a glimpse of something safe can take it all away.

But, I didn't move to another country, just another state. There's a McDonald's and Burger King on every corner, and for sure they speak English here.

Last week I went to a Burger King that didn't have any burger's and y'all and yat were not in my version of Webster's, but I hear them quite often.

So there it is. I'm in a foreign country and I don't think I'm going to find a McDonald's anytime soon. I suppose I'll learn the language and culture over time, but right now, I'd kill for some fries. :)