Why I blog

This is why I blog.
Today was one of those days when I almost quit. Not more than 3 hours ago I was fighting back the tears stinging from an insult a "colleague" carelessly flung out over email and wondering why do I do this. This, of course, was not that bad of an insult, but the kind that gets under your skin anyways, makes the inner emotional girl want to lash back in unprofessional ways, and makes the intellectual girl face the ever present dilemma of how to walk that line between standing your ground as a professional and not seeming like a bitch. At the end of today, which involved fighting with 7 different FedEx agents, arguing the fundamental limitations of my data for the millionth time with another cranky professor (who I think needs a nickname because he may appear more often in the future) and hours of babysitting another ADD professor, finding myself in that place led me to several moments of wondering why I even try to walk the line. Why don't I just walk away?

I never walk away. Partly I'm stubborn. Partly, I've been chasing the dream for over a decade and walking away now would just leave emotional wreckage. Partly, I'm eternally an optimist and I know it will get better, in fact I know it will be great, I have faith. Partly, I feel an obligation: for every women who leaves the path, there are probably 10 who never start down it, and that burns me to the core. Partly, I'm over educated and under qualified and have no place to walk too.

Mostly, I derive great joy from what I actually do. It's just been awhile since I've gotten to truly do it, in my own way. I love that when you google me you get scholarly articles, contributions to science, small contributions, but ones I made. I love the thrill of chasing down data, the excitement of seeing it result in something new. I love watching the grad student I have with me experience that for the first time (even if this particular campaign has been a bit rocky hopefully I'm bearing the brunt of it so he can fall in love with science too). I love watching students gain the confidence they need to succeed. I love firing my laser. I love that I don't know where my science will take me, but knowing it can take me wherever I decide I want to go. I love watching the wind blow. I'm waxing poetic and getting of topic. (apologies to Renee and Brian, this blog must truly offend their inner english majors).

Long story short, I had a long conversation with my advisor, a little about how to respond appropriately, and a lot about science. I felt better, the spark was ignited again. But still I was wondering how many more battles did I have in me. Still I was alone. I was demoralized, debating with myself, fighting with myself, doubting myself and I was tired. And what pops up on my RSS feed? That post from FSP. I am not alone. There is light. I can find a way to succeed. I will figure it out, others have, and so can I.

This is why I blog. That post did wonders for me today. I learn new things from knitting blogs, I find inspiration in science blogs, I find humor in blogs, I find my friends in blogs. Blogs and the people behind them add richness to my life. An anonymous world of people typing into blogs the same as I do provide many things to many people all over the world. This is why I blog. Maybe something that comes from me can teach, inspire, cheer up, make someone feel less alone or do something else positive to someone somewhere.