At an impass

I've had one of those "work" weeks that was just so bad it sucks everything out of you. I've been dwelling on a particular incident for a few days and I've been through all of the stages of emotions that come with the event: anger, exhaustion, denial, anger, and the process of rationalizing it. I wasn't going to blog about it. I was planning to do my best to just let it go, but then this morning I read this, which led me to this and this and the awful comments that followed it and I once again felt that I wasn't so alone and maybe my experience should be out there for the world to know.

First let me say something about the original article: I entirely agree with it. I have been facing this issue, and I've blogged about it before. Getting an academic job these days requires years of post docing and moving all over the place. The decision to do so is much more difficult for a women. I believe this is due to a factor outside of all the regular discrimination women feel in academia, but because of the fact that the post doc phase corresponds to the period in a woman's life when they are biologically forced to make the decision whether or not to have a a family. It is not that a career and a family are not compatible, it's that a one year post-doc is not a career and moving every year for another one and a family are not compatible. (Most post-docs don't come with vacation time, formalized sick leave, or maternity leave, so finding the time to actually give birth would be a small feat) For men, the decision is easier, they can sacrifice it all for there career, force the family to follow, or have kids with a younger women when they are 50+ years old. I'm not speaking of every man here, but all but one man in my department has chosen one of these options to get to where they are in there careers, the one who hasn't is in danger of not getting his tenure. Just my observations.

Anyways, as usual I digress. All that shit is there, in the background, for a woman, all the time. Which is why and incident of blatent discrimination is all that much worse. I have been working on a grant proposal with a colleague for over year. About six months ago, we decided that we needed some additional expertise and asked another colleague from another university to join us. We are very close to submittal and have reached the part were we are putting together our budgets, and reviewing the final draft. Colleague #2, put all of the measurement equipment necessary for my part of the project in his budget, also took all of my experimental design out of the proposal. When we asked what was going on, and requested that we split the equipment between the two universities, he said that he wouldn't trust me to do ANYTHING because I wasn't smart enough, that I shouldn't be a PI (but he was going to let that slide) and a I was just a student so he was senior and it was his decision. Colleague #1 and I were appalled. I was greatly offended. I had suspected for awhile that he felt this way about me because I was a woman, but I was doing my best to work with him, but in my mind this crossed a line.

I thought about it for awhile, let the emotion go away and got to a rational place, and wrote a professional email "to address his concerns", I explained I wasn't a student, outlined my experience, etc. I ended by saying I hoped we could move past this unfortunate incident and finish the proposal. He responded by saying I was wasting his time, he didn't know how the phone conversation became about "personal issues" and he didn't need a lecture from me. Essentially it was a vague and extremely qualified apology. Knowing I couldn't really expect anything better and going tit for tat is useless, I let it go. I said what I needed to say and I could sleep with myself. His behavior since has improved, although only slightly. There has been an unintended consequence, however. My advisor, who has been aware of all of this, has not spoken to me since. I suppose it's possible that in his mind I crossed a line by asserting myself, but I really can't speculate on his feelings, I just know that he is not happy with me.

The whole thing has really been weighing on my mind, and while I know that the situation is the best it can be under the circumstances, I'm still quite bothered by it. It seems to me that colleague #2 was content to keep my name on the grant, knowing that a female PI will increase the chances of funding (which is a whole other can of worms), but that in his mind, a female was unqualified to do anything, so it was in name only. I think he was operating under the assumption that everyone felt this way, and therefore was quite taken aback when we insisted that I was actually responsible for part of the project. So, essentially, until I said something, I was allowing myself to be used merely because of my sex. We have not nice words for that, and the idea of it makes my skin crawl.

So now I'm in a pickle, the silent treatment is clearly my punishment. But, for what? Standing up for myself? Demanding a minimum level of respect as a human being? What were my other options? Letting him bully me? Pulling out to make my point, hurting the chances of the third person involved and walking away from nearly a year of hard work? Continuing to work with someone who clearly shows me no respect for me and comprising my own moral compass? What is my option to make it better? A rock and hard place.

And we wonder why women leave academia.